just another wednesday

I don't think I fear rejection as much as I fear not being liked or respected. Ironically, I think the latter is responsible for the majority of the former that has occurred in my life.

Diarrhea

The final frontier.

That title and the following sentence was saved on a draft over 6 months ago in a separate blog. I completely forgot about it until I, almost out of nowhere, decided to revisit my blogs. I've been meaning to do so since the last time I logged out, but before you know it, half a year is past, and I have just progressed that much further in time.

It's scary to think how quickly 6 months can go by, but it really has felt like an eternity since I've been on last. And yet, just that title and sentence had the power to spark my memory and almost instantly I remembered almost exactly what else was going to be written with that. It would have been nothing too important, just a funny little thought that popped into my head in an instant and I decided to capture it for some reason.

What follows that single line is not what concerns my interest at this time though. It's what exactly happened to me, mid sentence, that caused me to not only sign off in that moment, but to not return for over 6 months. I'm not really sure what happened exactly but If i'm not mistaken, dinner was ready and I got up and ate, and just never got back on until today.

The scariest thought in mind about all of this is how much my life has changed in such a short period. Never, in my recollection, have I ever experienced such a drastic change in such a short period of time. I've moved away from home, I'm no longer working (which was easily the greatest inspiration for my blogging), and I am now attending the College of Charleston.

So much has happened and for the most part I've been taking it in stride. I think that was the best possible approach for myself, when considering how terribly i tend to micromanage my life. It is really much less stressful when you allow things to happen and then just take it as it comes. However, I do need to learn a balance between the two extremes in order to optimize my success and happiness. I suppose that is one reason why I am back on the blog. The other reason is that I find myself questioning myself again for the first time in months, and I really do need to take a step back and analyze the situation while not getting so carried away as to completely forget how my last blog started to become and which eventually led to its deletion from the public eye.

I don't feel like discussing anything personal in this blog or at this very moment, but instead I want to take my time to think about it first and perhaps write it in a separate entry later on tonight or tomorrow.

Just one last thought that came into my head; I don't expect anybody to ever read this sentence or any other sentence in this blog or any other that I write in the future. I am not against anybody reading what i write, and in fact I would be honored, however I don't intend to encourage people to read it as I did my last blog. I feel that was in fact the fatal error that lead to any past self destruction and the feeling of remorse toward the old blog. This is supposed to be a way to clear my head, not to stress me out with the bullshit that inhabits my thoughts.